Glurge

Hi, my name is Splenda! Nice to meet you.

I know what you're thinking. Why did my parents name me after a packet of sweetener? Well, it's not like that.

My parents met in the hippie era of the late '60s. I was born in 1973. Everybody else was giving their kids names like Rain and Moonbeam. My parents wanted to give me a nice, unique name.

My dad liked Glinda, as in the good witch of the north. My mom preferred Splendida, which is splendid with a flourish at the end. Plus she was a bit jealous of Glinda, because she thought my dad had a secret crush on her. She said he got a wrecked every time they watched The Wizard Of Oz. I don't know what a wrecked is. Anyway, my dad didn't like Splendida. He said it sounded like Candida, which is a fungus that causes yeast infection. He's smart, he studied biology. They argued over my name before I was born. For a while, they thought of doing both: Glinda Splendida Glockenwurst. My mom preferred Splendida Glinda Smith-Glockenwurst (Smith is her maiden name). My dad disagreed, he said what if I marry a Mbuke-Hashemi, my name would be Splendida Glinda Smith-Glockenwurst-Mbuke-Hashemi, and it was too long, so let's just go with Glinda. My mom said when he pushes an eight-pound baby through his uterus he can choose the name, until then it's going to be Splendida. She told me that my dad wasn't happy about this at all.

One day my mom and dad reached a compromise. They decided to name me Splenda! It was a mix between Glinda and Splendida. Plus it was shorter and easier to spell and pronounce, and nobody else had that name, ever. My name was going to be all mine, totally unique in the world. Also it was anagrammic. You can rearrange the letters in Splenda to get lapsed, pedals, pleads, planed, and planes.

A few days later I was born, Splenda Danger Glock. No Smith, so that I could say Danger was my middle name, which was funny until the Austin Powers movie people stole the idea, and they shortened my last name to Glock so it wouldn't sound like a sausage. But everyone would just call me Splenda. Life was good.

Then along came a company that made sucralose, an artificial sweetener, a sugar substitute. They decided to name it Splenda because it was less chemically sounding. I have no idea why they chose my name. They could have named it Michael or Ashley or any other popular name instead. But they took my name. And I was powerless to stop a big huge giant nameless faceless clueless uncaring unsharing unforgiving transnational multinational international Corporation from stealing my identity. Now everybody has heard of Splenda and my name is no longer the unique gift my mom and dad gave me back in 1973.

This made me really sad. I went to a diner to have some pancakes, it always cheers me up. The waitress called me Sugar when she gave me the bill. She didn't know, she didn't know my story. It made me cry into my maple syrup.

Comments

awwwwww, what a sweet story.

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