Nursery rhymes for the modern age

My son Ryan, age 13 months, sure likes his nursery rhymes, but I feel that references to "all the king's horses and all the king's men" are not very realistic in the modern world.

Here are some popular nursery rhymes, rewritten for the 21st century.

Jack and Jill


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill sued the land owner

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses
And all the king's men
Invaded Iraq, blame it on them

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are
Product of primordial dust
Or intelligent design
Twinkle, twinkle, little stars
How we use you for our cause

There Was An Old Woman

There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe
She had so many children,
She didn't know what to do
She gave them some broth, 
Without any bread,
Whipped them all soundly,
And got sent to jail

Hey Diddle Diddle

Hey Canada's farmers
You Albertan charmers
The cow got mad cow disease
Americans laughed
And gave us the shaft
Our cattle, their agents did seize

Mary Had A Little Lamb

Mary had a PlayStation,
PlayStation, PlayStation
Mary had a PlayStation,
With lots of video games.
One day she bought GTA,
GTA, GTA,
One day she bought GTA,
Hot coffee everywhere.

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