Beware of "medical" advice

The following piece is satire, okay?

Whether you are dealing with the unexpected difficulty of a sudden illness, or the long-term consequences of a chronic disease, it can be a challenge to find accurate information that you can trust.

Fortunately, you do not need to seek the advice of a physician, because free medical advice is readily available on the Internet.

Not everybody trusts the Internet. The fact is that you don't need to question its validity, because it can't be published on the Internet if it isn't true. There is a law against it or something.

Some so-called "medical doctors" will dismiss the advice on the Internet as "quackery" or "junk science." Don't listen to them! Medical doctors are in the business of treating sick people, so they need you to get sick as often as possible. The worse job they do, the more they get paid - that is the inherent conflict of interest. It is the only way they can afford to drive faster cars and watch bigger TVs than you.

For example, when you go outside in winter without a coat on, what do you think happens? You catch a cold, develop frostbite, or even suffer from hypothermia. No matter what happens to you, medical doctors profit.

A little known fact, which I swear is absolutely true because I read it somewhere on the Internet, is that if you do develop frostbite, surgeons (the butchers of the medical field) will not simply treat the affected area. Instead, they will recommend amputation of the entire limb, because that's a more expensive procedure that lets them finance their summer beach house out of your pocket.

As long as you are anaesthesized, they will also perform other unnecessary procedures without your consent, so that they can buy fancy furniture for the house. (Nicer furniture than you could ever hope to own, because all your money is spent paying medical bills.) It is not uncommon to remove a kidney, spleen, or other major organ as part of the treatment of simple frostbite. These organs are then sold to willing recipients on the black market, without your knowledge, further profiting the surgeon who removed them in the first place.

Sometimes you hear about people who die as a result of treating their own illnesses using natural remedies, instead of seeking proper medical attention. This is just propaganda put out by the powerful doctors' lobby. If a product occurs in nature, it can't possibly be harmful to you. Otherwise, it wouldn't exist. That's just logic, and you can't argue with logic.

For example, cyanide is a perfectly harmless natural product. Fact: Cyanide has never caused a human death. Rather, it is the ingestion of cyanide that kills you. The so-called medical "experts" don't want you to know this! There are many other naturally-occurring products, such as arsenic, mercury, and colloidal silver, that are perfectly safe as long as you don't put them into or anywhere near your body. Trust yourself and trust Mother Nature.

After all, who do you think knows your body better? A doctor who spent eight years in medical "school" - or you, who has lived in your body all your life? Think about it.

So don't be an idiot. If you're sick, just type your symptoms into Google, and follow whatever advice some random web site offers you. You can't possibly go wrong with that approach.


Deb said…
Have you been talking to my dad?
Sassan Sanei said…
Let me guess, he would take what I wrote seriously?
Deb said…
My dad will only go to the doctor if he's forced to. If I told him a symptom I was having, any symptom, he would be able to tell me what vitamin/natural remedy would fix it.

My mom is almost as bad. Its a double whammy.
Sassan Sanei said…
Hehehe. Garlic and apple cider vinegar, right? The cure to all what ails ya.

I hope it's reasonably obvious that this piece is deliberately sarcastic. Sometimes people take my satire far too seriously. It's the reason I stopped writing letters to the editor of the local newspaper and started my own blog. I'd get these phone calls and letters from nutjob strangers who took an obviously satirical piece far too seriously and demanded to know whether I really claim the right to pee on the street, drive drunk, and pour toxic chemicals into the sewer. Um, no.
Deb said…
Are you saying that pouring chemicals into the sewer isn't a god given right?

I wish someone had pointed this out to me sooner.
neal said…
It's like this was written to critique my family...

Who needs logic when you have herbal medicine!
Sassan Sanei said…
Didn't you know? The intarwebs is your #1 source of information for 157 rarely known safe and effective alternative cancer treatments your doctor doesn't even know about. :P

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