Food reviews, unbiased and impartial

I tried a few new food products for the first time in the past week:

Kraft Peanut Butter with Chocolate. A commendable first attempt in the sweetened legume puree category by this venerable foodstuffs brand. But as we learned from years of indulging in Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, the point of combining peanut butter and chocolate is to savour two complementary tastes, not simply to combine the two flavours until neither one is individually recognizable. This is the El Camino of bread spreads: it's not a car, it's not a truck, and it doesn't perform either function particularly well. You would be better off with a layer of plain peanut butter topped with a layer of chocolate spread. Or just stick to Nutella. Grade: C

Crystal Light Raspberry Ice Slurpee. Not since Apu poured the first all-syrup Super Squishie to an overeager Bart Simpson has the slush beverage world seen such radical innovation. The sugar-free Crystal Light Slurpee, available at 7-Eleven stores, promises a guilt-free slurpee experience - and delivers. All the taste without the calories? Even better. I found it to be as tasty and sweet (maybe even sweeter) than the sugary Slurpee. Interestingly enough, the mixture maintained perfect uniformity from the first to last sip: the syrup did not separate from the crushed ice as I worked my way through it. Grade: A+ [Update (2005/08/16): I have just found out that these things are nevertheless LOADED WITH CALORIES from the large amount of sorbitol (sugar alcohol) that is used: approximately 1 calorie per millilitre. That means there are more calories in a Crystal Light Slurpee than in a Big Mac! For shame. It's still a better choice than a regular Slurpee, but not the unrepentant decadence of "have as much as you want, as often as you want" that I expected. The sorbitol also explains the headaches and explosive diarrhea that I have had after drinking these. Twice. Revised Grade: D-]

Burger King BK Steakburger with Bacon and Cheese. Thoroughly disgusting. Whopper aficionados can rest secure in the knowledge that their favorite hamburger will not be supplanted by this vile slime anytime soon. Look, you can't just slap HP sauce on top of a greasy burger and call it a steak. Did I mention that it's disgusting? Grade: F

Orville Redenbacher's Honey-Flavoured Microwave Popcorn. This slightly sweet popcorn is a nice change from the usual butter and salt variety. There is a slightly odd aftertaste, possibly metallic in nature. A good effort from the popcorn guru, but calorie for calorie, I prefer Crunch 'N Munch. Grade: B+

Doritos Black Pepper Jack Tortilla Chips. Spicy? Cheesy? Crispy? Gimme! The mere description is so exhilarating that I recommend it without even having tasted it yet. How can I review a product without having tried it? Because it's my blog; I can write what I want. Grade: A [Update (2005/07/28): Finally tried them. I stand by my A.]


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